When it Rains it Pours

When it Rains it Pours

(This too shall pass but not be forgotten)

 

 

****I realize I hardly post anything... unless it is a big event in which this is a small form of therapy for me. Plus when can I find the time to just sit and write, when I have two energetic boys who keep me on my toes?!

 

 

Well where do I begin, about 8 weeks ago we were spending time with family and I had this amazing experience! We were all watching Big Hero 6 and eating popcorn, while at the same time it was silent.... dead silent. I was sitting there watching everyone and then I looked at my husband and a sweet humble voice said, "you need to have a baby now." -------- I sat there and couldn't really focus on the movie anymore, I just kept thinking about what had just happened. Then everyone went to bed and I just couldn't sleep... Eventually Nate (my husband) asked what I was thinking about... eventually I told him, I told him "This is crazy! We have a baby! We hardly sleep as it is! We would need to get a new car! The guest room might not be a guest room!" But I could not deny what I heard and felt.

 

The next day we went to the Tri Cities Temple for some friends who were being sealed. I went in praying in my hear,t that I might get a second confirmation of us needing to have a baby. But through out the entire temple trip I just felt calm and at ease. The thought kept coming to my mind of why do you need to be told again, wasn't the first time clear enough?!

 

There it was my second confirmation.

 

 

A COUPLE WEEKS LATER....

 

We are PREGNANT! I was so excited and yet so terrified of what this pregnancy was going to be like... (pregnancies are often full of throwing up and severe back pain for me). I was nervous to tell anyone thinking that they would think we were crazy! especially my mother. However we then decided we would tell just our parents and those who are physically really close to us. We thought hey we are going to surprise everyone in nine months on Facetime with a new baby!

 

 

HOWEVER.... I started bleeding and cramping. I went in to the DR. and she said I was most likely getting ready to miscarry. I was heart broken.... We left the Dr's and I went to go coach my soccer team that day.... The whole weekend was full of tears and confusion.... Why did I have such a spiritual experience for this to happen?

 

I went back to the Dr for an ultrasound and had my blood work done. My pregnancy hormones SKY ROCKETED, and the sac was growing!!! I kept telling myself don't get your hopes up, but I did and I thought if  I just keep my faith up, maybe this pregnancy will further along.

 

I went back to the Dr for another ultrasound and everything was still growing however my Pregnancy hormones didn't go up as drastically, The doc told me that I would need to schedule a D and C because they couldn't find the heartbeat yet.  I was confused again... I decided that I wasn't going to have the D and C for a couple of weeks because I felt that, What if it just takes a bit longer for this baby? I have read of many stories online that it just took an extra week to find the heart beat.

 

THEN our sweet sweet Caius was admitted to the hospital on Friday June 5, 2015 because of "Bronchiolitis" although we had many medical people telling us it was RSV... Apparently RSV can lead to Bronchiolitis. I was laying on the hospital bed with Caius and I started to cramp pretty bad.... Low and behold I was miscarrying twins. One was not as developed as the other. The only thing we can come up with is that one of the twins didn't make it very long and was being miscarried while the other was trying to survive while my body was trying to get rid of it. Luckily the nurses were very kind especially Francine. She was there for Nathan and myself, holding my hand while I just cried and cried.

 

Sad doesn't even describe what I am feeling. I don't even know how to describe what I am feeling, I have never felt this way. But if I could try to explain it, I feel lost, part of me is missing. Terrified for the future if I am going to miscarry again. Terrified to want another baby because i don't want those babies to feel replaced. (I know that will eventually go away but it is definitely a thought in my head right now.) I sit and think of what those twins would have been like. Would they have been girls or boys or one of each?! I am angry because I don't know why Heavenly Father feels like I needed to go through that. It's an experience prior to me being apart of it, that I never would wish upon anyone. I feel so alone, I have a few good people here for me. I know of others who have went through this but I just feel like I am suffering alone. I know my Heavenly Father is here for me at all times, and I know he can heal broken hearts of which mine feels shattered. I also know that things like this take time to heal.

 

I know the church is true. I know I will feel peace again. I know I will meet those sweet spirits one day. So as it is, I figure I am a mom to two great and wonderful boys and two little angels. Counting my many blessings...

 

 

---The White House Mom